Abuse is the fault of the abuser June 20, 2007
Posted by Evil Bender in Morality, News and politics.trackback
If only we lived in a society where the above statement was uncontroversial, but as TheHolyFatMan explains, we have a tendency to blame those who have suffered from domestic abuse (she cautions against the world “victim”), if not overtly, than implicitly by questioning their choices.
Abuse is so complex that the decision to leave an abusive man is tough for so many reasons. Had I not been empowered by a few well meaning women willing to hide me until the coast was clear, I don’t think I would have done it as soon as I did. My family simply denied that I wasn’t at fault. They blamed me for all the violence that happened.
In my experience, this is a sadly common line of thought: if someone is being abused, they must have asked for it in some way. That rhetoric mirrors our society’s twisted view of rape. If we’re going to make progress in the fight against domestic violence, we must continue to point out, as TheHolyFatMan does, that the right reaction is to put the blame on the abuser. If we can change our societal attitudes toward violence, those who commit the violence will find themselves with fewer places to hide. Someday, with great effort, perhaps we can make the abuser be the ones who need be afraid. I’ll leave ThHolyFatMan with the last word:
Not that easy, I say, and explain why it was so difficult to leave. In the end, I won having cut my abuser out my life forever through the proper legal channels. Some “men’s rights’ advocates will scoff at the fact that I cut “my babies daddy” our of her life, but they might believe that his watching her take a shower at age 8 was acceptable. Nooo, suckers. It wasn’t and NO argument will ever change my mind about that. My life will never be the same and I’ll never feel completely safe even though I haven’t seen or heard from him in nearly 4 years. I still will look over my shoulder everywhere I go until I know that he has met his untimely demise.
and I’m not to blame for it.
:)
Evil Bender, it is good to chat with a fellow christian become atheist.
I agree that people have a tendency to ‘blame the victim’ and this tendency is a widely studied cross cultural psychological phenomenon.
However, this posting brings up an interesting point about blame, responsibility and will. While no one should ever blame the victim, especially if that victim is a child. On the other hand, if I am the victim of a crime, it can be psychologically advantageous for me to take responsibility for preventing similar events in the future.
For example, if I leave my car unlocked and my ipod is stolen, I am not to blame for having it stolen. But then again, if I place 100% of the blame on the thief, then I am denying myself the opportunity for a feeling of control over future circumstances.
When talking about child sexual abuse, however, I’m not sure that it ever makes sense for the victim to own any of the blame.
roguememe:
Thanks for the comment. I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, but I’d avoid the word “blame” in this context. It isn’t healthy for the “victim”–I’d like a better word here–to be blamed in any way. Might it be empowering for that person to take steps to feel more assured, safe, or in control.
I’m sure no one would disagree that such actions can be healthy and helpful. I just think we should be careful to separate those actions from “taking the blame,” which is a frame that implies culpability on the part of the one who was wronged.
Agreed.