Notes from Evil Bender

Well, not really. But that headline is way more funny if you imaging me reading it ala the priest in The Princess Bride. But what I’m actually here to write about to day is the institution of marriage, and why it is not for me. What prompted me to finally getting around to posting my thoughts on this were thought-provoking posts by Jessica and Amanda about how engagement and marriage play out in American patriarchal society.

Now, as I’m male, I don’t feel the worst of the sting of the assumption of male superiority that so heavily taints the institution of marriage. It does affect me, of course: prejudice does not only hurt those who it targets, though it does hurt them far worse than it hurts the privileged.

But read the above links for feminist analysis: I have nothing to add to that discussion. Instead, I would like to explain one reason why I do not plan to get married: even in an equitable marriage, the institution can function coercively.*

In my opinion, there is only one legitimate reason to stick it out through the rough times in a relationship: because one believes the future will make the current stress worthwhile. Simply put, we stay in relationships–or we ought to–because we believe they will continue to be a good thing for us.

When I move at the end of next month, I’ll be moving in with my partner. I am devoted to her and the thought of moving across the country and into a new place with her is a thrilling one: so much so it is even helping to balance out my usual anxiety about moving.  I have been and will continue to be asked if we have plans to get married. The answer is simple: no, we do not. (And I find it odd that the one is assumed somehow to lead to the other.)

What would marriage give us that we don’t already have? Devotion? Love? A shared commitment to each other? Nope: all those things are already present. What marriage would add–and the only thing I can see it adding, besides tax breaks**–is state sanction of our relationship. We would have a piece of paper that says we’re committed to each other, and that demands a great deal of work for us should we ever chose to dissolve that union.  In other words, we would have a legal document designed to make it harder for us to seperate.

Should it ever happen that my partner decides to leave me, I do not want her to feel compelled to stay because of a contract. I have no desire to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. If we were married, that adds extra complications to that equation. And to what benefit? We stay with our partners because we love them and are devoted to them, whether we are married or not.

Now, there are some legitimate reasons to consider marriage: benefits (my new job does not provide domestic partner benefits, sadly), an expression before the community of our commitment, and a ceremony which we can affirm what is already implicit. I do not wish to make light of these considerations: economic, communal and personal, respectively, they should not be easily ignored.

But neither are they sufficient reason for every relationship to follow the marriage model. I recognize that marriage makes sense for many people. For me it does not. I have my reasons, which many people would disagree with. But as I do not attempt to assume others will stay unmarried, I would appreciate it if no one would assume that marriage is an inevitable part of a sufficiently successful relationship.

* I do not mean to imply that marriage isn’t the right choice for some people. In general, consenting adults are way better at deciding what to do in their own relationships than anyone else is about deciding for them. I have dear friends for whom marriage was absolutely the right choice, and I have no desire to deride that choice. I just want to explain why I don’t desire to participate in this particular institution.

** I’m speaking entirely for myself here. I don’t presume to speak for my partner: she’s more articulate than I anyway, and will speak for herself if she wishes.