Notes from Evil Bender

All three regular followers of this blog probably know that shit like this is my beat. Honestly, though, I don’t have anything to say about it yet: it’s obviously not worth taking seriously, and parody of it is impossible. So I’ll continue to chuckle at it in peace, and turn my attention to Pastor J. Grank Swank, Jr. I’ve learned two key facts from him.

1) Proper grammar and punctuation are the devil’s playground.

2) Obama isn’t only a secret Marxist Muslim, but he’s also most definitely not a Christian:

He claims to be Christian, for example, while tramping all over biblical ethics. One cannot be a Christian while applauding abortion. One cannot be a Christian while sanctioning sodomy.

I think if I believed in the deity Swank claims to believe in, I’d be more cautious about making my own declarations of who gets to be Christian. While I’ll grant that his book makes some strange and apparently contradictory claims about salvation, I missed the passage where it says “only those who force women to give birth and snoop around other people’s bedrooms may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” Maybe it’s in one of those minor prophets that no one reads.

Further, Obama as “Christian” does not know his Bible when telling inquirers during the presidential campaign to read the Sermon on the Mount to find out what Christ said about endorsing homosexual lifestyles. There is nothing whatsoever in Matthew 5-7 that refers to homosexuality.

Yeah, that stupid Obama! He doesn’t know what’s in the Sermon on the Mount. Oh, wait, what’s that?

Don’t worry, pastor Swank. I’m sure you’ll be absolved just as soon as the Conservative Bible becomes available. No doubt they’ll fix pesky passages like that one while they’re busy making the Bible pro-capitalist.

[h/t]